What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.