[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
waiting for halloween be like:
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT