We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
This raises questions
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.