LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*watches the world burn*
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
what it’s like dating me:
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.