@ibid78: LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend
@CodyJP9412: REPUBLICANS: I can't believe Trump won.
DEMOCRATS: I can't believe Hillary lost.
ME: I can't believe it's not butter!
@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
@TheQuietPsycho: I'm "the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal" years old
@Anon_imosity: [walks into bookstore]
Me: do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
@Chumpstring: ME: please don't be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what's wrong
ME: i left my phone in there