@ibid78: LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend
@david8hughes: [first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything
@ewfeez: Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.
@ShoutingGoddess: When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they're saying, 'I'm an idiot,' over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.
@12spoopy11u: Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.
@TheAlexP: * see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole