@ibid78: LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend
@juneohara65: The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
@TeejayRush: "Get in the van if you want to live."
@ChickenFrecklez: Me texting friend: Hey! What's up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"
@wesleybordelon: Me: Can I have a quickie?
Waitress: Sir, it's pronounced "quiche".
@Coastiefish: You think God hates crosses?
If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I'd be pissed.