@ibid78: LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend
@Jenn_H_Scott: What's it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they're obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes... "parenting"
That's the word.
@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:
@SteveKoehler22: My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.
Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
FRIEND: Let's play monsters! I'll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it's a full moon. Don't let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
@TheTweetOfGod: Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I'm saying to you.