@ibid78: LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend
@Underchilde: Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby’s mouth when you couldn’t find a pacifier.
@lawyerthoughts: *throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
@ComedicBust: Me: Can I please sleep?
Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again.
Me: But I hate that song!
Brain: I don't give a shit!
Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5...
@sageboggs: It's like my father always used to say, "[years of silent disappointment]"
@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.