lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My blood type is coffee.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Not today
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.