Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.