Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell