[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext