Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.