Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
North and South
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right