The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
called in thicc to work this morning