*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
the dark web is just a goth google.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’d hang this in my house.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan