[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??