Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I would like even faster food.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”