*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.