Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
You Might Also Like
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
this is literally a CIA plant
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.