When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda