Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
A roof is a house hat.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
There’s always that one guy
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight