Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.