LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
When your man makes a valid point
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud