LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The funk soul brother
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”