people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Probably my best painting.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Always the camel, never the toe.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power