[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
is this how new cars are made??
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
gentlemen, hear me out
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry