Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.