Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I’m giving up ice.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.