Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
🤔😂😂
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to