I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do