*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Always 🥴
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall