*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I am never leaving this website
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.