*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate