*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.