Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.