[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Cardio Made Easy
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I want this so bad
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.