[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one