*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
me irl
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Reporter: *ports again*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.