*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.