Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Webb. James Webb.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye