I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
How I like cutting carbs
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.