[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
You Might Also Like
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.