@DatingLeah: Learn cursive, they said. You'll need it your whole life, they said.
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@Jerrypleasure: Me: *gives fiancé a diamond necklace* Fiancé: OMG babe, I also want to go for a road trip Me: Get in the car Fiancé: But that's a police car Me: You’re already wearing a stolen jewelry
@MichaelTrying: Dear Evolution, It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
@egg_dog: [death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: … Me: it sounded longer in my head.
@ibid78: [math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct [later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken