Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
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Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
R.I.P.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.