“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical