learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.