Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.