My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Optional boss fight.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.