@sammyrhodes: Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn't like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he's not a fan.
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@ch000ch: hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
@juliussharpe: Google Glass, for everyone who's ever thought, "I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE"
@SveldtSmelt: Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don't know where to start and I always end up screaming.