Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)