*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
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one of
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
how many bears make up a bear minimum
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.