*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I want this so bad
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]