Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.